Wade Wilson, Bringer of Chaos, Thief of Bikes
by SHADOWoftheFOX
Summary: Deadpool spots James one day and decides to confront him, and steal his motorcycle. Chaos ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Deadpool spots James one day and decides to confront him, and steal his bike. Chaos ensues. **

**Characters: Deadpool and Logan**

**Takes place after X3.**

**I don't own anything. **

**Rated K+ for poorly written fight scenes **

The legendary fighter, the Merc with the Mouth, Wade Wilson sat on his bike eating a Slurpee. Today, he had decided that it was his civic duty to find out what flavor of Slurpee is in fact the best. So far he had just eliminated black cherry from the running.

As he sucked some strange red mush up his straw he noticed a motorcycle flying down the road. It was literally a blur, moving way too fast to be a normal bike. He stared at it wide eyes in wonder as the thing belted by. Probably some fancy pants mutant showing off, he mused.

Wade resumed his task.

He heard the bike this time before he saw it and this time as it passed he managed to catch a glance of the rider.

His draw dropped. Could it be James? Old James? He tossed his cup on the ground and didn't feel bad about it. He was a rebel. He would litter blatantly and no one could stop him. He slid onto his own motorcycle and pressed his foot to the pedal. He had an old friend to pay back.

Sure it was James who saved him from the cancer he was dying from, but he didn't even know he did it, and didn't mean to. So it didn't count. What did count was that he cut off his head.

Wade didn't particularly like people who cut off his head. Besides he was bored, and what else was there for an unemployed mercenary to do?

He took off after the biker. He was already a good distance behind the ridiculously fast motorcycle. Still, he managed to follow him, although now his bike seemed woefully slow. He was already plotting a clever theft of the super fast bike. And once he had that bike he would name it Sally or Death Razor.

It all would have been much easier if he could just teleport or shoot Logan with laser beam eyes but unfortunately both powers had been disabled when his head was cut off. Wade secretly suspected that the real reason was that the author of this was just annoyed at the movie for giving him laser beam eyes and thus took his powers away, which was a real bummer. Whatever the reason, he was willing to trade his laser beam eyes for his freedom from being remote controlled.

James led him straight to a giant mansion. Wade whistled appreciatively as he stared at the massive building and wondered how many people James had killed to get a place like that.

As he got closer he noticed that the mansion was in fact a school, owned by a Charles Xavier. Interesting. What was James doing at a school? He must have really mellowed out in the past couple years. Or he was going to kill a bunch of kids. Wade hoped it was the second one.

Wade slid to a stop on the road near the gate to the school. He hopped off his bike and then grabbed his two kantas from his bike and secured them onto his back in a practiced motion. Sure, he now had swords built into his hands, but real swords were so much cooler, and you could swing them around and throw them and stuff. Much cooler. He easily hopped over the fence. He then walked up the long driveway.

Wolverine wiped a smudge of oil off the bike. He had finally got it working since that crazy new kid had run it into a tree. That kid was lucky that Storm was around when he found out or that kid would be in a world of pain right now.

"So, ya done?" Rouge asked as she entered the garage.

"Yea. It's all fixed. But if I even catch that kid looking at it…" He trailed off.

"Oo, are you threatening students?" Came a strange yet, somehow oddly familiar voice. Logan spun around and found a strange man leaning against the wall.

"Who the hell are you?" Logan growled, hoping it wasn't a new teacher; he already didn't like this guy.

"James, I'm crushed. And you didn't even call me bub."

"James? That's not my name."

Wade paused for a moment and stared at James, confused for a moment. "I think you got shot one too many times in the head," he said finally, as he tapped his own forehead with his index finger.

"What?" Logan asked, now confused and annoyed.

"Who are you?" Rouge asked.

"Wade Wilson," he said, winking at her.

"And how do I know you?" Logan asked.

"We were once hunting partners. You, me, your brother, Wraith, and Zero. Then you ditched us, and killed Zero." Wade shook his head sadly as Logan just stared for a moment.

"My brother?" Wolverine finally asked. He had no idea what was going on. This guy either had mistaken him for someone else or was messing with him.

"Yea. So why are you at a school? You trying to follow in the footsteps of your deceased dearly beloved? She was a teacher right?" Wade asked.

"What are you talking about?" Logan said, starting to get very pissed off.

"Silver fox," Wade said and did a little hop. This was fun. He'd forgotten how much fun annoying James was.

"Listen, I think you got the wrong man. I have no idea what you're talking about, bub," Logan said.

Before Wade could argue Rouge cut in. "Are those swords on your back?"

"Um, yea," Wade said.

"Why?"

"They're part of my hobby," Wade said, annoyed by white streak girl.

"Which is?" Hank asked.

"Killing people," he said. Hmm, maybe a bit too honest, he thought as the conversation suddenly froze and the girl gazed at him with an expression of complete horror.

"Why are you here?" Wolverine growled menacingly as he took a step so that he was between Rouge and the mercenary.

"Well, hmm. I don't remember. Oh, wait. I was going to steal your bike. Yea, that was it," Wade said cheerfully. "You going to fight me kitty?" He asked taking a step back.

Wolverine claws slid out from his hands.

"Ooo, so shiny." Wade said dancing slightly in place with excitement.

Wade was torn between wanting to show off his awesome adatantium sword and keeping it as a surprise since James had apparently forgotten everything. The second would be a tactical advantage, but he might not be able to see the look on Wolvie's face when he pulled those suckers out if he waited. And that would be a total waste. Still…

He drew the swords from his back twisting them in his hands. He looked at Wolverine.

"Logan," Rouge said nervously as she backed away from the two men.

Logan glanced at her. "You're right kid, that punk isn't worth the effort." Logan turned and headed to the door and sheathed his claws.

Wade looked down at the sword in his hand and then reached out and sliced through the tire of the motorcycle Wolverine had been working on. Too late he realized that that would make stealing it a lot more difficult. Of course, right now, he just wanted to kick James' butt.

Wolverine slowly turned around and glared at him. Wade smiled in return. "Ooops?" he said as innocently as he could.

**I hope you enjoyed the first half. If you did, please take a moment and review! Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2, BABY!

**Look! It's the Chapter Two of Wade, Bringer of Chaos and Thief of Bikes! AHHHHhhhhh!**

Wade was thrown out of the garage and landed roughly on the driveway. He quickly rolled back to his feet. "Hey, that hurt," he whined as he wiped some dirt off his pants.

"Get out of here now, bub," Wolverine growled as his claws once again slid out of his hands and glistened in the sunlight.

"Oh no, a kitty is after me," Wade muttered twirling his sword as he noticed that they seemed to be gathering quite a crowd.

"Listen kid, get out of here right now, cuz this ain't going to be pretty," Logan said.

"Kid? I'm crushed. Hey, do you still have that unbreakable skull?" And before anyone could even blink he pulled out a gun hidden in his back pocket and fired.

Several students screamed.

Wolverine staggered a step back, hissing in pain for a moment before he reached up and pulled the bullet out of his forehead. The whole world seemed to go silent as the bullet dropped to the asphalt. Logan stared up at Wade with a death glare.

Wade smirked. "I guess that's a yes," he said, putting away then gun and picking back up his second sword. The he took a quick step back as Wolverine lunged, claws extended. Wade turned and blocked with his swords, unfortunately for Wade, the steel held nothing against the adamentium and one of his swords snapped where the claw cut into it.

"You're done kid, now get out of here," Logan growled. Wade pouted slightly at the loss of his swords but then tossed them. "Those were specially made," he informed Logan. "So, now you're going to pay."

"Really, bub?" Logan asked smugly.

"Yea, your claws are pretty sharp… but mine are longer," Wade said and then two long metal swords slid out of from between his middle and ring ringer. He winced slightly as the swords worked their way through his hands.

Wolverine stared in shock while Rouge and several of the other congregated students gasped. Wade smirked. "You're not quite as rare as you thought," Wade said.

"How the hell?" Wolverine asked as he gaped at Wade.

"I was bitten by a radioactive spider," Wade said pleasantly. "Nah, actually, I got this way by volunteering for the Weapon X program. They actually gave me some of your DNA, Wolfy." Wolverine lowered his claws as he stared at Wade and it was just too good an opportunity not to take.

Wade lunged, Wolverine managed to deflect his blades so that instead of slicing through his stomach they slice through his shoulder.

Wade spun around and went in for a second attack as Logan tried to recover from the blow. He failed to block the attack and Wade slice through his side before twirling away.

There were screams from the kids, most fled screaming for help but a few stayed and joined the fray.

"Get away from him," Pirot yelled as he changed into his metal form and raced to help Wolverine.

"Ooo, this is just like last time," Wade said dancing away from a blow. "It's like a great reenactment. Only this time metal boy can play the part of your brother, bag-lady nails."

Wolverine let out a feral scream as he lunged at the intruder, but his claws were intercepted by Wade's swords.

"The main difference, of course, is that I can talk. I have to say, sewing my mouth shut was the worst decision ever. I'd like to kill whoever wrote that script."

There was a clash of lighting overhead as the weather suddenly changed from a fairly sunny day to 40 mile per hour winds and heavy rain.

"I'm going to get stuck by lighting aren't I?" Wade said about half a second before he got stuck with lighting.

He collapsed on the ground, the electricity still coursing through his metal frame.

"Is he dead?" Storm asked worriedly.

"No, he can heal, unfortunately," Wolverine said.

"Logan, Logan, are you okay?" Rouge yelled as she sprinted towards them.

"Yea kid, I'm fine. 'Fraid I can't say the same for this guy," Wolverine said as he walked over to Wade.

Wade sheathed his swords. Owy. Then he slowly sat up. "Well, that was an electrifying experience," he said.

"Say another word and I swear I'll kill you," Wolverine said.

"It's bad to swear," Wade said as he wagged a finger at Wolverine, who let out an angry roar.

"Silence," Storm roared putting a hand on Logan's shoulder to keep him from attacking Wade again.

Rouge walked up to Logan. "Sorry, I couldn't help you. Sometimes I feel so useless without meh powers."

"Don't worry about it kid. I can handle a punk like him."

"In your dreams," Wade said.

"Do you ever shut up?" Storm asked.

"Nope. Not unless my mouth's sewn shut."

"Sounds appealing," Logan snapped.

"Try it," Wade challenged sticking his tongue out at the other mutants.

"Can someone explain what's going on?" Storm snapped and thunder roared above her.

"I don't know what's going on," Logan said. "He just attacked me and called me James." He paused. "Why did you call me James?" Wolverine asked.

Wade shot him an annoyed look. They were having such a nice fight before, and then the weather women interrupted and now it looked like they were just going to talk. He hadn't come here for a tea party. "Cuz that's your name, Jimmie."

"My brother?" Logan asked as he thought back on what Wade had said. His claws withdrew into his hands.

"Victor Creed, never gave him that manicure I promised," Wade added wistfully.

"Was he a mutant?"

"Man, you really are brain dead. Yea, we all were mutants, well except me technically…" Wade said trailing off unhappily.

"Is he still alive?"

"How would I know? Not like I'm hunting you guys down, although that would be entertaining. Hmm. I think he goes by the name Sabertooth now."

The claws slid back out. Yes! Yes! Yes!

"Sabertooth was my brother?" He growled out.

"Yea. You guys were so cute together."

"You're lying."

"How could I profit from lying?" He asked, and then added, "In this particular situation."

"Why are you telling me this? Why are you here?" Logan growled dangerously.

"Logan," Rouge said.

"Once you chopped off my head," Wade said. "I'd just like to return the favor," he said. His swords slid back out as leapt to his feet.

"Stop this immediately!" Storm yelled and the sky darkened. This time Wade had a plan and it was: cling to James so she doesn't strike me with lighting. However, this plan was easier said than done as James didn't wish to be clung to, for some reason. This forced Deadpool to go for the second anti-lighting approach, which was to off the weather witch.

However, that turned out to be a bad idea. He lunged at her and his sword barely even touched her shoulder, but next thing he knew, every single mutant in the entire state seemed to be upon him.

He supposed they had never heard of a fair fight. No one would ever just take him on one-on-one. No, they always had to team up on him. It's because I'm that good, he decided.

Anyway, next thing he knew he found himself rather rudely tied up and dragged inside the mansion. But worse, they had gagged him. They had dared to gag the Merc with the Mouth! He dutifully set all his efforts into removing the gag. It really was an injustice to the world to keep his quiet.

A little council had formed to discuss what to do with him. This council consisted of a very hairy blue guy and Storm and Jimmie and the girl that had been with Jimmie called Rouge or something.

"I think we should just kill him," Jimmie said.

"Logan," Storm said. "I thought you of all people would want to hear what he has to say, he seems to know you from the past."

"It's all lies," Logan said.

"And how do you know that?" the big blue fur ball said diplomatically.

"I just know," Logan said.

The others exchanged skeptical glances. "Just because you don't like what he says doesn't make it untrue," the fur ball said.

"Oh, I wish the Professor was here," Storm said wistfully. "He'd know what to do."

They all nodded sadly and Deadpool finally managed to work his gag off. "Why don't you go get him them?" He asked.

They turned and stared at him, with a mixture of surprise and confusion in their features.

"He's dead," Storm explained softly.

"No, he's not. Did none of you stay for the portion after the credits? He's in some hospital or something. With some lady."

They all exchanged looks, and Logan raised his eyebrows and shot the others a look as if to say, "I told you he's crazy."

"Who are you exactly?" Storm asked after a long silence in which Wade filled only by humming loudly.

"Me? I'm Wade Wilson. Deadpool. The Merc with the Mouth. Heard of me?"

"No."

"Drat."

"Well, Mr. Wilson," Storm began and Wade giggled. Storm shot an exasperated look at the blue fuzzy ball, who merely shrugged. "I just don't know what to do with you. We can't let you go as you seem determined to attack us."

"Naw, just him," Wade said nodding at Logan. Logan growled in response.

"Are you affiliated with Magneto?" the furry blue guy asked.

"Nope. The pays not good enough," Wade said as he set to work getting the rope off his hands which wasn't all that difficult when you had swords hidden in your hands.

"I don't have time for this," Logan said as he stood up and then he quickly sought for an excuse to get away from Wade. "I have to go change a tire," he said finally as he shot a glare at Wilson who smirked back innocently.

"Actually, I believe Piotr said he was going to fix it for you," Storm said.

"Better do it right," Logan muttered but he plopped back down in the stool, the news not seeming to brighten him up at all. However, Wade perked up at the news and finished cutting through the rope.

The second the rope fell away he was up and running. He hustled out of the room and down the hall as the others chased after him. He could hear their yells and feet pounding against the fancy wood floor.

Scared children of all ages darted out of his way as he raced through the school. He turned down another hallway and spotted the front door. He dove outside, slamming the door behind him, and then raced along the house, heading for the garage. He heard the door open behind him. His attackers were after him.

He darted into the garage to find the huge metal man, who currently wasn't metal, wiping his hand on a dirty rag. Deadpool's eyes immediately darted to the bike, which had a fully inflated front tire. He briefly wondered if this sort of thing happened a lot, why else would they be so well stocked on motorcycle tires?

His musings were cut short as metal claws were rudely shoved into his back. Wade hissed in pain as he drew his own swords and slammed them behind them, into Logan.

He swore loudly and there was an awkward moment where they were frozen like that before both staggered back yanking their respective weapons out of the other's body and their wounds began to heal.

Logan immediately attacked again, but Wade had had enough. He liked fighting Jimmie, but he wanted out of here before Ms. Lighting struck him again, the sky was already getting dark around them.

He dove to the side, and drew his swords back into his arms and then kicked the metal kid in the face and danced around him to the bike.

The keys were already in the bike. Perfect. This was working out perfectly.

He swung himself up and gunned the engine and was off faster than a speeding bullet.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as the bike shot forward so quickly that he could barely see where he was going. Jimmie and the others were long gone as he soared down the driveway and towards the gate.

The closed gate.

He let out a scream as the bike slammed into the metal gate. The thing exploded as it hit the barrier at such a speed, ripping the bike apart and flinging Wade forward into the wall. He dropped down onto the ground. He let out a painful moan and then slowly clambered to his feet, patting out the fire burning through his pants. His healing factor quickly began to put himself back together. He glanced around. The motorcycle was lying in parts around him, completely destroyed. The gate was also a bit mangled. He frowned and then glanced up to see Logan charging towards him across the lawn with an expression of unbridled fury burned across his face.

"My bad!" Wade called before quickly climbed up the gate and then dropped, landing smoothly on the other side. He slipped into the seat of his own bike and took off down the road, leaving the mansion in complete confusion.

Back to the 7-11, he decided. He wanted to try the Coca Cola Slurpee next.

**I hope you enjoyed this story. I know it was short. Did the ending seem too rushed? I'm considering doing a sequel of some kind. Maybe. Would anyone bother reading it?**

**Anyway, please review and tell me what you thought of it. Thank you!**


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